December 23, 2003

• Bladder Buster

  Before you go, you had better get one of those incontinence appliances, one that allows you to pee freely and catch the liquid in a large tank. No human bladder can stand the strain and you can't depend on Depends to have enough capacity to hold you through the whole show. And there is no pause button if you see "Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King" in the theater.

  Normally I would have waited a few more weeks, to avoid the sold-out showings and the long lines of people parading into the theater. Or I would have purchased my tickets on-line, to be sure I got them for the time I wanted them. But we were winging it because we didn't know until the last minute how many of us there would be. We were standing in line to buy the tickets when the dreaded "sold out" started flashing for our chosen show time. Quickly consulting, we chose the next available show time, 45 minutes later, for just the two of us, Delia having informed us she was unable to join us.

  Cathy decided she needed to eat in the time now available to us. I didn't really want to, as Ruby's has little that I could consume or wanted. Their food is perfectly healthy for most people, but healthy food gives me problems. Vegetables, dairy and seafood are particularly bad for me. I hadn't planned on eating and hadn't brought my Beano, my protection against vegetables and fiber, so I settled on a cup of chili and a basket of fries. Cathy ordered one of their big burgers. I had a cup and a half of coffee, probably not too bright considering we were going to be watching a movie they listed at three and a half hours actual showing time, not including the time standing in line to get in (even with tickets) and waiting for the movie to start. I took what precautions I could, but it was going to be an ordeal.

  We went from the restaurant to the theater about 25 minutes before the movie was to start. They wouldn't let us in. They told us we had to get into the line that would enter to the right of the theater entrance. However, the end of the line was all the way around at the left of the theater entrance, having wrapped itself around the ticket booth in front of the theater. We were only in the line a couple of minutes before we saw the front of the line begin to move but it was at least five minutes more before our end of the line started to move. The movie was being shown in two theaters at the extreme right of the complex, numbers 17 and 18. We got auditorium number 17.

  When we found our seats, Cathy said something about being worried about getting a nosebleed. The seats weren't really that high up, but the air was dry and she felt a tingle in her nose. I hoped she had napkins or kleenex stashed in that little purse she carried. As it turned out, she had no problem. Still, as Frodo, Sam and Gollum made their way up the hidden stairway I couldn't help thinking we had a similar view from our seats.

  We didn't have to put up with much of the preliminary propaganda slide show, getting in having taken so long. There were just a few attempts to convince people to fortify themselves with snacks and soft drinks, the latter probably leading to very uncomfortable consequences, and repeated pleas to audience members to turn off their cell phones. Then we were subjected to the usual barrage of previews, the only one of which I remember having to do with Viggo Mortensen starring in a movie about a horse race across a desert.

  The movie began with Smeagol (who becomes Gollum) as a hobbit-like creature and how his acquisition of the ring transforms him. The movie ends with the heroes riding off into the sunset. Lots of things were left out between the beginning and the end. If they hadn't been, the movie would have taken over five hours rather than a bit over three. What was left in was very satisfying to watch. Characters were developed; it was done differently than Tolkien did it but it was a good alternative for the medium used. There were stupendous special effects, many of which flashed by so quickly you couldn't be sure what happened, which is more of a virtue than a vice. That is, real life doesn't have a slow speed instant replay -- the demented pace added to the realism.

  When the movie was over, I was almost unable to stand up. I felt like an overfilled water balloon. I knew the theater complex had at least four sets of bathrooms, the nearest ones being the most likely to be crowded enough to cause a delay -- so I headed for the most distant one where I would probably find little delay. Nobody else seemed to have the same idea. The bathroom was almost empty. It was also mostly non-functional, with plastic bags taped over half the equipment and signs announcing that things were "out of order," a phrase that I find particularly meaningless to describe the situation. After all, the things were not working, disorder or bad sequencing having nothing to do with the problem. Anyway, enough was working for me to reduce the pressure to normal levels and become comfortable again.

  The extended version, when it is released in a year or so, will doubtless come on two or more DVD disks. This allows for intermissions to improve viewing comfort. It will be worth getting.

  • 02:44
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